I hate Michigan. Period.
I hate my life here.
The only thing holding me here is Jeffrey, and I honestly wonder how long it will take before that just isn't enough anymore.
I want to change my life, but I've come to the conclusion that probably just won't be enough.
I've sunken into an intense depression and I don't see an end in the short future.
I'm scared my depression, paranoia, and anxiety will tear Jeffrey and I apart. Now I have to wonder.. Does that mean I end up losing him either way?
I hate to feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. Especially when it comes to matters so close to my heart. It's really, quite honestly, become an ongoing torture now, that needs to be resolved.
I do love Jeffrey with all of my heart, I still want to marry him, I still want to have a family with him. I think that's why this all hurts so much. I have many things I want to change, but that chapter of my life I'd like to think would be ongoing. I'm putting myself through a whole load of torture, hoping things will start to go better, and we can remain together and happy. I know he is also doing the same, because being with me, with the way my emotions are, is quite the endeavor in and of itself.
I guess, in the end, I'm asking you guys to just cross your fingers for me. I'm in a very hard chapter of my life, but I'm trying pretty hard to get it moving more smoothly. I was told to expect my acceptance letter from LCC within 10 days of.. Dec. 28th I think. In that area anyhow. I've applied to all kinds of jobs, and am still doing so. I'm in therpay and trying to work to get my emotions better handled. I'm trying very hard on a daily basis to handle my issues with Jeffrey better, though with this latest onset of depression, I fear I fail more than succeed. I'm going back to doctors and getting ongoing issues finally checked out. I finally have a regular family practice doctor to go to. I'm just trying to enjoy life a little more than normal. It's very hard to do when depressed, but maybe with enough effort, it won't seem quite so hard anymore.
I wish me the best of luck.